


Fix You

by FrankieFandom



Series: Beyond Repair [4]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drug Addiction, Gen, HIV/AIDS, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, sick!Casey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-10-12 10:12:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17465570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankieFandom/pseuds/FrankieFandom
Summary: Severide never gave up looking for Casey, and Casey never stopped thinking about Severide.





	1. Opening

**Author's Note:**

> A short and possibly self-indulgent story because I will always regret being unable to save him. It's fairly essential that Untitled is read before this piece.

"I love you, Matt. Please tell me where you are. You're calling me for a reason. I miss you and I love you. Please tell me where you are. I haven't stopped looking for you, and I won't stop. I don't care about what happened, I just want to bring you home."

"Detroit."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry."

"I will never understand what you went through, what you've been through now, but you never have to apologise to me. Never. Hear me?"

"Got no more coins left…"

"Just remember that I love you."


	2. Detroit: Part One

The November air was harsh. The wind made its way through the streets, into the alleyways. The large, mostly abandoned old industrial site by the water didn't fair much better than the main part of the city. Severide pulled his jacket tightly around himself, wishing he was wearing gloves but he was on an adrenaline fuelled mission. He'd been in Detroit for more than twenty-four hours now, he'd barely slept since that phone call two days ago. A short while ago he'd finally managed to get some useful information out of the local police department, which was why he was now walking around the run-down area, searching.

Casey was standing by the fire, one of the few darted around in the open metal containers. The heat licked at his skin, the small amount that was showing, he was wrapped up in all the clothes he owned. Every so often he would put his arms out, warming his hands above the flames. He wasn't alone but no one was talking. He was coughing into the air now and then, unable to repress his grating chest.

His hood was pulled up over his head, he wasn't paying the world much attention, he was barely even thinking, he couldn't think. He was too cold and too tired to think, but he knew he couldn't sleep in this temperature, not coming straight from the streets of the city cold and unfeeling, it wasn't safe. Although he wasn't sure why he bothered with safe anymore, but it was ingrained into hime even now.

He only noticed something unusual, someone out of place because the guy opposite him had his eyes fixed on the sight. The man in the smart jacket and scarf was walking around, trying to show people a photograph, trying to ask questions, but no one was receptive, and they shuffled away.

The man walked straight behind Casey, and then he heard his voice from a few yards away.

"Can I just show you a photo? Please. I'm looking for someone, I'm not a cop or anything… here, have this, take it to get a warm drink and some food, just look at this photo, all right?"

Casey was listening now. He knew that voice all too well. He could never forget that voice. His heart started to pound away in his chest, he almost felt dizzy with the feelings that had woken inside of himself.

"I don't know who that is… Can I still have the money?"

"Yeah, course, here…" Severide gave the guy some notes and sighed, glancing around the area, quickly losing hope, he wasn't sure why he thought it would have been easy to find Casey in a city he didn't know, and what if he didn't even recognise him anymore?

But Severide recognised Casey immediately, and his heart almost stopped.

Casey had moved away from the heat of the flames, turning and walking in the direction Severide had come from. He wasn't even sure why he was leaving, but he couldn't be seen, not like this, not by Severide. He should never had called him.

Severide could see Casey walking away. He would always recognise his walk, even if he was limping right now. "Matt!" he called after him, only needing to walk briskly to catch up with him. "Matt, please stop."

"Sorry…" It was all Casey said as he stood still, breathing harshly, face angled away from Severide.

"Why did you walk away?"

"I don't know." He shook his head. His voice was hoarse and strained, and Severide could see the sharpness of his cheekbones, along with the fading black eye beneath the hood he had pulled up. The thick woollen hat and cotton scarf hid most of his features but not his piercing eyes. Those eyes were so tired though, tired and dull.

Severide spoke tentatively. "Do you… erm… are you all right?"

Casey coughed again. He nodded.

"Where are you staying?" he asked him.

"Around." Casey glanced back at where he'd been standing.

Severide couldn't pull his eyes away, but he was desperately trying to keep his emotions in check. "You got things to get?" he asked.

"Get?" Casey repeated, trying to keep his coughing more subtle than it felt.

"Belongings," he clarified.

"Oh… no…" Casey looked around at everyone, no one was looking at them but he didn't feel comfortable. "Let's not talk."

"Matt?"

"I mean, not here. Can we maybe walk at least? To keep warm…" he trailed off, coughing again.

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want, Matt… we could get a hot drink?" Severide suggested.

But he seemed to ignore the idea. "You know… that guy is probably gonna buy drugs with that money. You're too nice. Always have been," he told him as they began to walk. It was a slow pace, Severide had to hold back to make sure he didn't walk ahead of him.

"Is that what you do?" Severide asked without a hint of distain in his voice.

He shrugged. "Not so much these days. How long are you here?" He had always been a master at diversion.

"Got all the time in the world," Severide responded sincerely.

He stopped and stood still, away from prying eyes now. "I'm sick, Kelly."

Severide nodded. "Ok, well, come home and you can get better."

"It's not like that." He didn't know what was wrong, but he had an inkling.

"What's the doctor said? You've seen a doctor?" Severide asked him consecutively.

He shook his head as he spoke. "Not seen a doctor." He coughed, using the back of his hand to cover his mouth.

"I don't like the sound of that…"

"The cough is different, I think… it's just a feeling, maybe I'm wrong," Casey continued, avoiding eye contact, looking down at the sidewalk.

"Well, I'll take you to a doctor here, or when we get home," Severide told him. No wonder no one had found Casey, he may have made sure hospitals and free clinics were aware he was a missing person, but Casey had never entered one.

"Home?"

Severide almost hesitated, worried this was not going to go as he had planned. "Yeah, I thought I was bringing you home?"

"I destroyed that home, all I have are memories, that's all I can have…"

"Matt… let me take you to a doctor at least... or let me give you a bed for the night? Warm bed, hot shower, fresh clothes…"

"Shouldn't have called you. Wasn't feeling well, I've been withdrawing… not by choice…" he scoffed but carried on. "I shouldn't have done it. I'm just hurting you all over again."

"I'm happy just to see you. I'm not hurting. You've not hurt me," Severide affirmed. He desperately wanted to just put a hand out to touch Casey's arm, just for a second, just to make sure this wasn't some sort of dream or hallucination, that Casey wasn't just about to disappear right in front of his eyes.

Casey looked him in the eyes for the briefest moment. "That's a lie."

"Ok, it is, so can I guilt trip you into staying with me tonight? Because, Matt, I regret not telling you that I loved you soon enough, maybe if you'd known earlier…"

"Please don't," his voice cracked.

"I think you need to sit down…" Severide said, watching the man before him sway. He reached out to help him remain upright but Casey just stepped back. Almost tripping.

"I'm fine." But he didn't look it, especially not when the police car drove by slowly. "We should keep walking," he told Severide.

"Let's go to my hotel room. It's nothing fancy," Severide said, as if he thought Casey would dislike something like that, somewhere he would stand out. He felt he should tell him that, tell him that he would be fine there, with him. "It's small and the mattress has a lump in it," he added. As soon as he said it he realised Casey probably hadn't slept on a mattress for a very long time and he was filled with guilt.

"I've stayed in shelters," Casey responded as they started walking again, the limp in his gait growing worse the more he moved.

He almost smiled at that, not because of his words but because Casey had known what he had been thinking, like they'd not even been apart for all this time. "That's good, is good to know you have someplace to go at night… you go every night?"

"Yeah." He nodded, looking straight ahead as they made their way along the sidewalk, almost reaching the city now. Casey had walked in this direction on purpose, if they had gone the other way into the city Severide would have the discovered the streets and corners where he worked. Where he sold himself.

Severide knew he was lying, lying to make him feel better so he said nothing more on the matter. "I think we should order-in, get a pizza or something? Something warm and filling, how's that sound?"

"Whatever you want…" his voice was laced with a tone Severide couldn't quite pick out, it was almost seductive. If only Severide knew how many times he had said those three words and ended up behind overloaded trashcans in a dark alley giving someone a blowjob.

"It's whatever you want, my treat, a thank you for letting me see you," Severide reassured him.

"I can't go back," he stated, shaking his head, as fervently as his headache would allow.

"Let's not think about that now… why don't we get a cab? It's a fair walk from here, I think…"

Casey had to smile at that. "You think?"

"I've never been here before," he responded, grinning. It was impossible not to, Casey's smile had always been infectious.

"What hotel?"

"You can't know where everything is, I don't know where everything in Chicago is and I grew up there…"

"I used to walk around a lot. What hotel?"

Severide gave him the name and they set off walking again. He grew more and more concerned for Casey's health as they continued, but what topped his concern was when they entered the hotel room. Casey looked like he would just collapse than and there, and it hadn't been a hard walk.

"Take off your jacket, I'll hang it up… I'm not going to take anything from you," Severide told him as he took off his own jacket and scarf.

"I know that."

"Take it off then, you can have a shower, or a bath, whatever you want… what happened to your hand?" he asked, suddenly noticing how Casey struggled to unbutton his coat.

"Accident," Casey answered.

He just nodded in response, knowing he'd get nothing more and probably never would. "You gonna be all right in the bathroom?"

"I've not forgotten how to use one," Casey spoke wryly, turning and entering the small bathroom, shutting the door and locking it.

Severide stared at the door for a moment, the sound of the lock clicking was still reverberating around his head, echoing. "Oh… shit… clothes…" he muttered to himself.

He hadn't heard the water turn on yet so he quickly grabbed a whole outfit from his bag and tentatively knocked on the door.

"Matt, I'm gonna leave some clothes out here for you. And don't rush, take all the time you want, use any of my toiletries… just… yeah… just get warm and… enjoy it, I guess… I'm gonna pop out, I won't be too long but you can have the place to yourself for a little while, all right?"

"Ok," came Casey's small voice in response.

Severide left Casey to it, he had nowhere to go but figured he'd feel more comfortable being alone, at least for a short time because now Severide had found him he wanted to remain by his side. He knew Casey would find that too overwhelming though. He desperately wanted to get him to a doctor but he was sure that would be a battle in itself, and he wanted to get him home, no matter what Casey thought, it was still his home, their home.

When Severide returned to the hotel room, carrying a few local take-out menus he'd picked up from the reception, he knocked at the door. "It's me, it's Kelly, I'm back. All right to come in?"

"Sure…"

"Matt… I put those clothes there for a reason, they're for you to wear, clean clothes," he said, nodding, after realising Casey had just dressed back into his own clothes.

"Can't take…"

"I'm telling you that you can, please go and put them on, for me," Severide insisted.

"Sorry…"

"No, don't, don't do that," he spoke, interrupting him. "Don't apologise. Just go and get changed."

Severide sat down at the end of the bed in the modest hotel room as he slipped back into the bathroom and changed. He put the take-out menus down on the bed and waited for Casey to come back out.

"That's better," Severide said, smiling as Casey appeared. Smiling despite how Casey looked. "So, food…"

"Pizza did sound good," his voice was small, and he was still standing by the open bathroom door, as if he was afraid to come forwards.

Severide couldn't stop himself. "Do you think I'm going to hurt you?"

"No one can hurt me." Not more than they already had.

"Come and sit down, have a look at the menus, yeah?" He didn't miss the way Casey avoided eye contact, even when looking at him, he wasn't actually looking at him, and every so often his body would almost twitch uncomfortably, Severide was certain it was an unconscious movement. "Matt?"

"What? Sorry…"

"Come and sit down. Pick some food," Severide told him.

Casey nodded a little and went to sit down on the bed. He didn't sit right next to Severide as he would have done in the past, in fact, where he was now sitting was probably the furthest he could have been from him without making looking at the menus together awkward.

"There's two pizza places near here…" Severide spoke, picking up the two menus.

"It's your choice," he responded.

"Tell you what, how about I just order a couple of pizzas and some fries, drinks?" Severide asked, deciding it was best to take the decision making out of Casey's hands.

"Ok."

It wasn't long before there was a knock at the door; their food had arrived. Severide accepted and paid for the delivery. "These smell so good," he enthused as he put the boxes down on the bed. Casey was still sitting still in the exact spot he'd been before they'd ordered. Severide had turned the small TV on for him, to save him for feeling obligated to talk. "Tuck in," he said, opening up all the boxes, taking a handful of fries as he lifted the lid off the second pizza.

"Thank you."

"Eat as much or as little as you want, we can always have some more later." So they sat together on the bed, both focused on the food and the TV. Casey mainly focused on the food, and the bottle of pop Severide had given him. It all tasted unbelievably good, and he was trying his best not to eat too quickly in front of Severide, but it had been days since he'd eaten, and he'd not had a slice of warm, freshly cooked pizza since, well, he couldn't even remember when.

He grew full far too quickly for his own liking, he didn't want to waste the food, and it all tasted too good to be left. He ate more, until he was sure he would burst.

Severide seemed to notice. "I'm so stuffed, how about we save it for later? It'll still be good," he told Casey.

Casey just nodded, putting down the half-eaten slice that was in his hand.

"You can finish that if you want," he said, chuckling.

"Ok…" But he looked conflicted.

"Or you can finish it later?" Severide said, realising how Casey seemed to be following everything he was saying, like he was following orders because that's what his life had taught him to do.

Casey nodded again, putting the slice back down.

"It's late. Do you want to sleep? Severide asked him.

He glanced around the room.

"They didn't have twin beds… you sleep, I'm not tired yet," Severide told him. "Couldn't sleep even if I want to," he added.

"Ok."

Severide had fell asleep thinking about everything Casey had been through. He had tried not to give it all too much thought in the past but that hadn't stopped him from picturing all sorts of scenarios that he could have got into. None of them good as much as he tried to imagine Casey getting through everything and going on to live a better life. Even after such a brief conversation tonight, he realised that living on the streets, Casey wasn't in a position to choose most of the time and going with the flow without putting up any fight made his life easier. It was still sad to think of someone who used to be so independent and self-sufficient as Casey had been losing all of that.

Whilst Casey had slept Severide had placed the back of his hand onto Casey's forehead, lightly and gently, he didn't want to wake him, but it appeared he was deep in the realms of sleep and he was glad of that. Glad Casey felt safe enough to sleep in his presence. The heat he felt from Casey's skin was not something he was glad about, he had a low-grade fever, even more reason for getting him to a doctor.

Casey woke in the large bed not quite realising where he was at first, he was much too comfortable and it was far too confusing until his vision focused, and he realised the still uncomfortably full feeling was because of the pizza he had eaten, the smell still lingered in the air. In the dim room he could see Severide sleeping in the chair, sprawled out so much that it looked like he would fall if he slipped down another inch.

He gazed at Severide's sleeping form. He wasn't quite sure what to do and the bed was incredibly comfortable, the lump Severide had mentioned wasn't even noticeable, he wondered if he'd only said it to make him feel more at ease. That was something Severide would do. He could tell it was still dark outside, the sun wasn't creeping through the edges of the patterned curtain. His stomach and chest were tingling with nerves. He tried to supress a cough but it erupted from within himself.

Severide stirred at the noise and Casey instinctively shrunk down into the bed as much as he could.

"Hey…" he began. "You all right, Matt?"

Casey nodded. "Sorry."

"Here, drink some of this…" Severide said, passing him a bottle of water, cursing himself for not leaving one on the nightstand for him.

He took it hesitantly, an unsure look in his eyes.

"I've got my own. This is yours," Severide told him.

"Thanks," he said quickly, opening up the bottle and taking a long drink.

"How's your throat?"

Casey only nodded again.

He pulled back his sleeve and looked at his wristwatch, it was a lifetime ago that Casey had given it to him for Christmas. "Look, it's not even 5am, do you want to go back to sleep? You look tired."

"It's your bed."

"Go back to sleep, Matt. Please."


	3. Detroit: Part Two

In the morning, Severide left Casey asleep in the small room. He fetched them both some breakfast, although he was sure Casey would be happy with the leftover pizza, he wanted to get some more warm food down with him. He returned back with two polystyrene containers, each containing pancakes.

He debated leaving Casey to sleep but he felt like it was more important to get some food down him. "Matt, breakfast time..."

Casey woke with a start, scuttling back in the bed, hitting the headboard with a wince.

"It's me, it's just me, it's Kelly… Matt?" he spoke tentatively, wanting to reach out and touch Casey's trembling form. "Matt?"

"Sorry… sorry… I… sorry… I should go… should go… I…"

"I got pancakes. You can't leave, not when I have pancakes," Severide told him.

"Pancakes?"

"Yeah, round fluffy things that taste like heaven."

"You got me pancakes?" he questioned again, voice still hoarse from sleep.

"Yeah," Severide confirmed, nodding.

"I haven't had…" He paused, swallowing down his emotions, trying to play it cool. "Haven't had pancakes for ages."

"They're all yours, we can get some for dinner as well if you really want?" Severide suggested since he seemed so keen.

"Dinner…"

"Let's just focus on breakfast for now. Eat."

"Thank you."

Casey opened the container and ate the pancakes with as much enthusiasm as he had done the pizza, only he was still full from the pizza. He threw up. Severide had watched helplessly, mouth full of his own pancakes, as Casey put his hand to his lips and darted into the bathroom. He hadn't had a chance to shut the door, even if he had, Severide would still have heard him retching.

He kept his distance, standing outside of the small bathroom as Casey stood up on shaky legs, flushing the toilet. Casey didn't know what to do, in the end, he just stood by the sink, washing his hands and face, unmoving once he'd completed the process. He'd thrown up the food that Severide had bought for him, he must have looked so ungrateful, and wasteful.

After a few moments, Severide spoke up, sensing his unease. "Just a case of too much too soon, I think. Come, sit back down, a drink will help…"

Once Casey was sitting back down on the bed, he passed him the bottle of water, Severide wasn't going to mention the incident again, he could clearly see how it had upset Casey.

"So, today I was thinking we could go to a walk-in clinic, get that cough of yours checked out, and after if you want, we can pop into a store, maybe get some of your own clothes, mine are looking a little big on you…"

"You can have them back. I have my own clothes."

"I don't want them back, just thought you might like to have some that fit you," Severide responded. "I've found a few clinics online, or do you know of one?"

"One what?"

"A walk-in clinic, Matt," he repeated, concern for Casey's health only growing by the second. Had he really expected to find him healthy after everything?

"Oh…"

Severide hadn't thought it was possible for Casey to ever seem so small, not like he was right now. "You said it yourself; you're sick," he spoke.

"It's my fault." He may as well have just shrugged uncaringly.

"What's your fault? What do you think's wrong with you?"

Casey just looked away and now that Severide looked closely, he could see he was also trembling again.

"Seeing a doctor today isn't an option. I… Matt, I need you to get better, I need you to be well. Do you know why?" Severide asked, his patience on thin ice now. If only Casey were unconscious, he could drag him to the clinic then.

"Why?" he questioned.

"Because it would make me happy."

Casey just looked at him. "It's winter, everyone gets a cold in winter."

"You have more than a cold," Severide replied.

"Yeah."

"This is your second winter… will you survive it?" Severide asked him plainly.

"It doesn't matter," he answered quietly.

"Please don't tell me that you deserve all of this. No one does," Severide added.

He was shaking his head. "Then save someone else."

"I'm here for you," Severide insisted.

"I don't have anything to give you."

"You make me happy," Severide responded simply. "That's not to say I've been entirely miserable since you left, I don't blame you for running, I understand. At least, I think I do. It made sense to you, to leave. I get that. And I tried to move on, I really did, Matt, but you make me happy, you always did."

"I'm not good for you. Or anyone. Be better if I just…"

"Disappeared? Died?" he questioned.

"Then you can be happy," Casey told him firmly.

"I wouldn't be happy. I'd miss you. I have missed you," he replied, moving closer to him now. He took Casey's hand and held it.

Casey fought the urge to pull his hand away. "How could you miss what I became?"

"You're still my Casey, my Matt."

"If you knew…"

"If I knew what?" he urged when it was clear Casey wasn't going to continue.

"You don't know what I've done."

"I don't care," he said, shaking his head.

"I ruined everything that was ever good," Casey spoke.

"No, you didn't, I'm here. And I still don't think any of it was your fault, I don't blame you. I wanted to, but all of this, it wasn't your fault…"

"If I had just… if I had wanted to get better then I would have, but I didn't, so this was my fault," Casey explained.

"You didn't give yourself drugs to start with, you didn't have a choice. What happened to you was truly awful, and everything after just spiralled out of control despite everyone's best intentions."

"Kelly…" his voice broke with emotion.

"Talk to me, what is it?" Severide asked, insistently.

"I've done far worse things now, what happened to me… it's just the tip of the iceberg," he scoffed, smiling self-deprecatingly.

"Tell me the truth; do you want to continue like this?"

He shook his head firmly. "No." He couldn't keep going like this, those times where he was fully aware of all of his actions, he couldn't believe how it had all come to this, how weak he had been to let it all happen.

"Do you really want to die?"

Casey didn't answer right away. "If… if I continue like this… yes."

"Ok. So, the first thing we need to do is get you healthy, all right? I can literally promise you that you'll feel better when you're not sick," Severide responded, smiling.

"But what if…"

"What if… what?" Severide asked when Casey fell silent.

"It's permanent… could you… could you forgive me? For what I've done, for what I am…"

"You are my… you're more than a best friend. I love you. You are nothing bad, or wrong, all of this is just a result of shitty circumstances, like I said, I don't blame you."

There was a long wait at the free walk-in clinic. Casey was sitting next to Severide, wearing the clothes he'd borrowed from him, which not only drowned him but actually made him feel uncomfortable, he felt as if he stood out, that everyone was staring at him. Severide didn't miss the way Casey was rhythmically tapping at his thigh. He wanted to grab his hand and stop him, but if that was all that was keeping Casey from standing up and marching out of the clinic then he'd just let him get on with it.

"Matt, what are you worried about? You're gonna see the doctor, they're gonna check you over, probably give you some meds if that's what you need. That's all there is to it… they're not going to keep you here, is that what you're thinking?" Severide asked him, thinking back to all the times Casey had been admitted to the hospital and rehabilitation facility without consent.

But Casey just shook his head. He'd barely said a word since they'd left the hotel room.

It was almost three more hours before Casey was called into the examination room. A female doctor had led them in together, Casey hadn't objected when Severide had suggested that he stayed. He wasn't sure what would be better for Casey, but he smiled inwardly at being allowed to come into the privacy of the room.

"What can I do for you today?" She looked down at the paper form on the clipboard in her hand. "Matt? Do you have a surname? We get a lot of just first names, it's helpful for our records. We don't share your information, just like any other doctor."

Severide glanced at Casey who seemed unwilling to answer. "It's Severide."

"All right, thanks," she said, jotting the name down.

"He has a really nasty cough and a fever, and he's thrown up… he erm…"

"I'm a heroin addict," Casey spoke up, looking at Severide now.

"Have you had any recent blood or saliva tests, Matt?"

He shook his head, coughing as he did.

"Ok, is it all right if I do a quick physical exam? I want to listen to your chest and take your temperature. We can do it in private?" she asked him, glancing at Severide.

"It's fine," Casey responded monotonously.

"Will you do blood tests today?" Severide spoke up. "I'm hoping to take him home, to Chicago, with me in the next day or so… I'll take him to my doctor, I was just concerned about the cough and…"

"It's your choice. The best I'll be able to do today is provide a short course of broad-spectrum antibiotics if I think it's bacterial, we don't have the capacity for rushed blood tests. We do blood and other tests at the sexual health clinic on a Thursday, it gets busy but if you're still going to be here then I really recommend that you come along," she explained.

"Sorry…" Casey muttered. Severide wasn't quite sure who it was aimed at.

"Take your shirt off for me, Matt, please…"

He blanched. "I…"

"Trust me when I say I have seen everything," she spoke.

He slipped his layers off, a little awkwardly because of his hand. He looked directly away from Severide so that he couldn't see his reaction.

Severide couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes momentarily, letting out a still breath as Casey's torso was revealed. He was actually glad Casey wasn't looking at him. He was trying his best not to show his concern and worry, not to be too overwhelming now that he'd found him. But he barely recognised the bare torso that was sitting in the chair beside him, there were a couple of recognisable scars but that was it. His skin was far too pale, he was far too bruised and he could count his ribs so clearly. He'd seen healthier people being carted off to the hospital in the back of an ambulance.

He pulled his eyes away from Casey as the doctor spoke to him, but Severide paid little attention until Casey was slipping his shirt back on. "You have a chest infection, Matt. Seems like bronchitis to me. We can give you a seven-day course of antibiotics to see if that clears it up… can I have a look at your hand too?" she asked.

"I don't have any money," Casey responded quietly, offering her his hand.

"They're free. You have to take them all, all right? Even if you start to feel better," she told him. "When did you do this?" she questioned, studying his hand, the bruising was yellowing and a few of his fingers and knuckles seemed displaced.

He shrugged, desperately wanting to take his hand back.

"What happened?"

He shrugged again.

"You don't know?" she asked.

He looked away.

"It looks like it was broken, but I can't do anything about it now… if you take him to the hospital, they may suggest rebreaking it and setting it right," she continued, talking to Severide now.

"All right, thanks," Severide responded.

Soon they were leaving the clinic, Severide slipped the pot of antibiotics into his jacket pocket as he spoke. "That wasn't too bad, was it?"

Casey just glanced at him. Apparently, he was still not going to be speaking much now the ordeal was over. They started walking away but he faltered, leaving it to Severide to hold him steady for a moment.

"Woah… you ok? Need to sit down?" he asked, his own heart hammering in his chest, concern overwhelming him.

Casey shook his head and pulled back from Severide's grip.

"Thank you for doing that," Severide said as they continued to walk. He didn't miss the frown that crossed Casey's face but he continued, assuming no words would be spoken. "Let's go straight back to the room. I can always go out to a store on my own. You'll be all right on your own?"

"Not going to steal from you," Casey retorted.

"Well, no, 'cause I'll have my wallet with me." He grinned.

"I never stole anything. Ever."

"Matt… I haven't said that you did…"

"You've thought it."

"I've thought a lot," Severide told him. "But I'm not judging you, I'm not gonna lecture you…"

He stopped. For a moment Severide thought he really did just want to take a break and sit down, but it wasn't the case. "You can just leave me here. Thanks for the clothes… the food and the meds."

"What? I'm sorry, did we have two different conversations this morning?" Severide questioned him, but he had expected this.

Casey didn't have anything to say.

"This is gonna be hard, but it's gonna make things again," Severide continued.

"Good?" He laughed at that.

"Staying with me has gotta be better than whatever it is your doing. You can get clean and healthy, and happy… I know it would make me happy…"

"Maybe you're just selfish," Casey retorted.

"I heard you earlier. You don't want this."

"What if I don't want the other option either?" Casey spat out.

"So you're just gonna walk away?" He sighed.

"Did it before, didn't I?"

"You ran! You ran away from everything! You ran away from me!" Severide exclaimed, unable to keep his frustration contained.

"And look how easy that was for me," he snarled.

"Why the hell did you call me? Why did you tell me you were here? To hurt me even more?" Severide yelled, catching the attention of people walking by. "You gonna turn and leave now?" he asked, voice lowered and calm. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Casey fell from his eyeline, and for a moment Severide just stood there until he realised he'd collapsed.

"Shit…" he muttered as he caught Casey's scarily light body in his arms.

Casey was disoriented when he woke. He was lying on something far too soft. Then everything came crashing back to him, he groaned inwardly as he opened his eyes.

"Hey… don't move too quickly. You fainted."

Casey frowned at the voice which entered his head and he almost had to pry his eyelids open to see if it was just his imagination. "Kelly?"

He was greeted with Severide's kind smile. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Confused."

Severide was still smiling, Casey's current confusion meant he'd not really been aware of what he'd been saying before he'd collapsed, or perhaps that was optimistic thinking. "We went to the walk-in clinic. At the very least you have a chest infection…"

"This is real then?" he asked quietly.

Severide nodded. "Up to eating something? Leftover pizza? Or I can…"

"I don't want anything. Sorry," he added.

"Maybe you should just get some rest then," Severide suggested.

"I want to get some air," he said, sitting up in the bed, feeling far too vulnerable lying down.

"Let's go outside then…"

"No, alone."

"I can't do that, Matt," Severide told him.

"I'll come back."

Severide gazed into his eyes for the longest moment. "All right, sure…"

And for the next ten minutes, Severide paced the hotel room. He had to give Casey some trust though, but he wasn't sure he did trust him, not like this. He couldn't keep Casey locked up though, he'd only resent him. Perhaps he really did just want air, want some space to think for a while.

There was a knock at the door, disrupting Severide's whirlwind of thoughts.

Severide opened the door. "Matt…"

"No need to sound so surprised," he said as he stepped back into the room.

"Maybe it's relief," Severide responded.

Biting his lower lip, he stood still. "Can I say something?"

"What is it?"

"I'll do whatever you want, not just because it'll make you feel better," he added quickly. "But because I kept dreaming of you, and home… and I want it to work, just don't know if it will."

"We won't know if we don't try," Severide responded.

"We?" he repeated.

"Yeah, we're in this together."

"Think I will get some rest now," Casey told him, heading over to the chair.

"Take the bed," he said. "If I'm not here then I've gone to the store, I won't be too long though…"

Casey raised his brows. "Why? Locking me in?"

"I…"

"I was kidding. That was a joke," Casey spoke.

Casey was exactly where Severide had left him when he went out to find some more food, and pick up some clothes and underwear for Casey. He smiled at the sight of him sleeping in the bed, he looked dead to the world, which wasn't at all surprising, his fever seemed to have worsened and he supposed Casey hadn't had much chance to relax until now, even if he had stayed in shelters, he had heard stories.

He'd not spent a large amount of money on Casey. He'd picked up enough clothing for three outfits, and underwear for a week, from the first Walmart he came across. He knew Casey would be grateful, he also knew that even now he'd still struggle to take the hand-out, but Severide had thought of a way around that. He put the bags down on the floor by the bathroom, there wasn't much to the hotel room, he placed the bag of food on the small table and decided to chuck out the remains of the pizza that were still sitting there.

"Kel…"

"How are you feeling?"

"Don't know," Casey responded, shaking his head a little. His emotions were all over the place, he was both happy and sad to be with Severide again, maybe he was dreaming, or maybe it was a nightmare. He almost felt like he was waiting for something to go wrong.

"You'll tell me if I'm being too much, right? Last thing I want is to make you feel overwhelmed or anything…"

"Don't want you to walk on eggshells around me, besides, nothing you could do or say would upset me. Trust me, and I get that you won't trust me for a while but please trust me on that," Casey responded. He sat up in the bed and continued. "I'll sleep on the floor tonight, it's a nice floor as far as floors go…"

"I don't want you to sleep on the floor, we could maybe share the bed though? I'm thinking we should drive back tomorrow and I'd rather have a good night's sleep before the five hour journey," Severide told him.

"Ok."

"You don't mind?"

"I'll sleep on the floor," he responded quietly.

"You'll sleep on the bed with me," Severide insisted, wanting to make sure he had a comfortable night as well.

"Yes, sorry."

"No, I don't mean… you can sleep wherever you want, Matt. If you want to sleep on the floor then sure," Severide conceded.

"Thank you."

"So I went to the store, got some food, just fruit and some snacks, and I got you some clothes. All those bags are yours, I hope I got the sizes right… went for small, and the pants… well, they look like they should fit but I got a belt just in case," Severide told him.

"You shouldn't…"

"Just think of it as making my life easier," Severide explained.

"What?"

"If you only have one set of clothes, Matt, just think of how much washing we'll have to do. And I would like you to wear clean clothes every day. And shower every day. When we get home I'll get you toiletries that are just for you, looks like you'll need some conditioner so we can sort your hair out, and I don't own conditioner."

"My hair's fine…"

Severide smiled at him. "It is. But I also know how soft it is when it's been conditioned."

He shrugged. "Not sure I could even get a brush through it right now."

"We'll have a lot to sort when we get back, some things can wait but I want to get you checked out by a doctor again, we should probably go see a dentist as well, and…"

Casey stopped him from continuing. "Kelly, there's no rush."

He held his breath before speaking. "I'm worried."

"I know, sorry…"

"I'll feel better once you've seen another doctor, one that can do more," Severide told him assuredly, for both their sakes.

"I don't have insurance," he responded.

"I know. Well, maybe there's something the CFD can do because technically all of this is job-related…"

"It's not though," Casey said, holding back a chuckle at the predicament he was in.

"It wouldn't have happened if you'd not…"

"Kelly, please don't," he spoke up, not wanting to have this conversation.

"You don't need to worry about money, all right? You don't need to worry about insurance or anything," Severide told him.

"So you're just going to worry about it all instead?"

"No, I'm not worried about money, I'm worried about your health, and I'm a little worried about climate change too… they're my worries, not money. I just, I don't think it's fair that you just get left to the wind," Severide went on.

"I managed to do that myself. I didn't want help. From you or anyone…" He closed his eyes, taking a breath.

"Think you can manage to eat something?" Severide asked him. "Then you should rest."

"I'll just sleep, I think…"

"It's a long journey back to Chicago. Are you going to be ok?"

"Be fine. It's really nice to have somewhere to sleep…"

"You didn't stay in shelters much?" Severide presumed.

"It was complicated," he responded.

"You can talk to me," Severide said sympathetically.

He smiled wearily. "I haven't felt this safe for ages. Maybe that's why I called. You've always been safe."


	4. Chicago: Part One

The journey home was a long drive, just as Severide had said, but it was made longer because they stopped a few times on the way back. Severide was concerned about Casey, his fever was no better, in fact he was sure it had worsened, and he'd thrown up his breakfast before they'd left, prompting him to refuse any food offered to him until what Severide thought would be their final pit stop on the journey back, he really wanted Casey to eat something.

At the dinner just of the I-90 Severide ordered two ice cream sundaes. He smiled when they were brought to their table. "Tuck in," he spoke, nodding at Casey encouragingly. His smile turned into a grin when Casey picked up the tall spoon and started to eat. "Knew you wouldn't be able to resist ice cream. It's going to be good to have you home."

"It won't all be good," Casey responded, concentrating on the sundae.

"No, it won't be… when did you last…"

Casey looked up. "Use?"

"Yeah, that…"

"Not long before I called you, maybe a day before," Casey answered

"That makes it almost a few days now? That's good..."

"I'm not clean, if I had heroin on me right now, I'd use it," he replied, as if he was talking about what they needed to get from the grocery store.

Severide swallowed, unsure how to react to Casey's tone.

"Sorry, it's to hard for you to talk about," Casey continued.

"No, well, yes," he responded.

"Most people I knew, we were all a mess, really. No one hid anything so I guess it's almost like normal conversation for me," Casey explained.

"I wouldn't even know where to get the stuff," Severide responded, scoffing.

Casey just smiled a little and turned his attention back to the sundae.

"Matt, what stopped you from…"

"Getting hold of some? Money."

"You could have taken money from my wallet in the hotel room," Severide told him.

"I told you, I never stole."

"How did you… how did you get money?" he asked, curiosity getting the better of him. Without knowing his imagination had gone into overdrive, he wanted some clarity.

"I did some labouring work to start with, it all fell through though," Casey answered, shrugging a little, but deep down worried where to conversation was going. There was only so much he could let Severide know.

"You managed to get other work?"

"I had a shitty apartment for a while, well, a short while, but I lost that. You don't want to know how I got money. But I never stole. Never, Kelly," he insisted.

"I believe you, but you didn't always have money even…"

"What do you want me to tell you? Do you want every detail? Do you want to know what I did?"

"Only if you want to tell me," Severide answered.

"But if I say nothing your imagination will just fill in the gaps… maybe that is better, I don't know… this is all a bad idea..."

"Sorry, Matt. Just eat your ice cream."

"I'm not hungry," he responded, coughing as he sat back in his chair.

"Please…"

"Would you feel better if you knew?" Casey asked him in a hushed tone.

He smiled at him, Casey was trying his best right now and he could tell, even if he felt absolutely awful he was trying his best and it made Severide's heart swell. "I honestly don't know."

"Ok."

"If it makes a difference, I don't believe you ever hurt anyone, I know you wouldn't do that," Severide went on.

"I hurt you though," he said.

"You did, but unlike you; I forgive much easier."

"You're too good to me," Casey responded, offering him a smile.

"I care about you, which I think you will always think is a strange concept… to have someone care," he added softly.

"You drove almost five hours to find me… it's been so good to see you, more than good," Casey told him.

They arrived in Chicago, Casey followed Severide into the apartment building from the underground parking lot. Severide carried the bags, too concerned at how pale Casey had grown and how he was staggering as he walked.

"You moved," Casey commented as they entered the elevator.

"It's a better place, almost didn't though… in case you came back and wanted to find me…"

"I know your mobile number like the back of my hand."

"Yeah, I realised that you probably would, plus I'm still at 51 or you could asked the CFD where I was stationed or…"

"You thought a lot," Casey stated before coughing into the back of his wrist.

He nodded and they stepped out of the elevator. "You can have your own room," he told Casey as they walked along the corridor. "And I'll get you a key too."

"I don't need a key," he responded.

"I'd feel bad locking you up," Severide said, chuckling a little. "We'll set out some ground rules, I think that might be best, but first, let's just get you inside." He pulled his keys out and unlocked the door.

Casey followed him inside the apartment and glanced around. "Wow. It is nice."

"Thought you'd like it," he responded. "You look like you should sit down."

"Feel like I need to…"

"Make yourself at home. I'm gonna make a phone call," Severide told him.

"Kelly…"

"Uh huh?"

"Will you tell everyone?"

"Do you want me to?"

"No."

"I won't then, but, Matt, I'm not the only one who missed you…"

"I'm a disgraced CFD officer, I'm sure they didn't miss me for long," Casey spoke darkly.

"You were never disgraced, not in their eyes, or mine."

Severide took himself out of Casey's earshot and made a phone call, he spoke to Kendra at Lakeshore in confidence, asking what the best thing he could do for Casey was, in the end he and Casey met her in the ER the next day, it had taken some pesuading to get Casey into the car, nevermind into the hospital.

"Hi, Matt…" Kendra couldn't hide the stunned note from her voice but she continued. "I'm glad you're back. Follow me upstairs."

Casey remained silent, he was on edge, the way his eyes would wonder around, the way his body almost twitched, showed Severide that.

Kendra noticed too. "So, Matt, this doctor you're going see… he's a good friend and a good man. There's no judgement, nothing, all right? He's here to help you."

Casey just nodded a little. Severide was just impressed that he'd not made a run for it before now.

She continued to fill the silence. "He's looked over your medical file, I've spoken to him as well, but he doesn't know everything so he's going to be asking you some questions, and then you can see what the best way forward is."

The elevator stopped, the doors pinged as they opened. Severide and Kendra stepped out, Casey didn't move, rooted to the spot, lost in thoughts.

"Matt…"

"Yeah, sorry…" he muttered before starting to follow them out of the elevator and along the large corridor.

They were led to a door, Casey shuffled on his feet, Severide just smiled at him, trying to reassure him, although he was sure nothing would do that right now. The door opened after Kendra knocked, the doctor greeted them, welcoming them into the room. He had kind eyes, he was a similar age to Severide and wore no white coat, just pants and a sweater with a shirt collar poking out the top.

"It's nice to meet you, Matt. It is Matt, isn't it?"

Casey just nodded.

"Good, I'm Doctor Kreisler, or you can call me David if you'd prefer, and possibly ass behind my back…"

Casey's lips turned upwards into a small smile at that.

"Thank you, Kendra," the doctor addressed her and she took her leave.

"Right, Matt, you can be honest now; do you want your friend to stay or leave?" the doctor asked him.

Casey looked to Severide.

"I don't mind, I can go and get a coffee, or if do want me here then I'm happy to stay," Severide told him.

"Please stay…"

"Take a seat, both of you. I'm going to be asking some possibly difficult questions so if at any time you want some more privacy all you need to do is speak up, ok, Matt?"

"Ok," he responded quietly, sitting down now.

The doctor sat down too, pulling a chair over so that there was no desk between them. "Let's start with the questions, then I'll do a physical exam and take some blood and other samples, I'll take them myself rather than a nurse, I know you'd both rather this was kept quiet for the meantime, so as little contact with staff is probably best for now, since you're both fairly well known, and we know how gossip spreads…"

"Thank you," Casey said.

"You won't be thanking me after these questions," the doctor responded, taking a file and a pen from the desk. "When was the last time you had a health check-up?" he asked, starting easily.

Severide spoke up when Casey didn't answer straight away. "We went to a free clinic a few days ago, she gave him some antibiotics for his chest…"

"Matt?" Kreisler prompted.

"Yeah, just that," he answered, shrugging a little.

"Just that? Two years ago you were admitted after an overdose, then went to rehab again, you went a few times. That's the last information you have in your medical documents. There's been nothing since then?"

"No," he answered.

"Ok. You're still using heroin?"

He glanced at Severide before responding this time. "Yeah."

"Anything else?"

It took him a moment to reply. "Not really…"

"Bit more specific please, Matt?"

"I don't know what it was, someone gave it me, it was just the once," he told the doctor.

"And you just took it?" the man asked without a hint of accusation. 

"They didn't really ask," he said, chuckling a little, trying to offset what his words implied.

Severide had to stop himself from saying something, and he realised now he was probably going to struggle more with this conversation than he thought, but he was glad Casey wanted him there.

"Ok. How often do you use?"

"Not as often as I would like…" he scoffed. "Sorry…"

"It's fine, Matt, honesty is really good," the doctor told him. "Do you want to get clean?"

"I was asked that a lot before," Casey began quietly. "I always said yes, but, I didn't care, no… I didn't want to stop…"

"And now?" the man questioned.

"I don't want to keep doing what I was doing, all of it… I don't want it, never wanted it but…" he let out a breath, trailing off.

"It's all right, Matt, this conversation doesn't leave this room," the doctor reassured him.

"I liked it," he admitted after a moment. 

"Past tense?"

"I like the high, that's it, that's all it ever was, but before… what I'm doing isn't sustainable… I don't want to like it, but after… after what happened… after everything… it was the only thing… I don't know… I… sorry… erm… I just… couldn't function anyway, I was just, nothing, I was nothing, nothing…. so it didn't matter and then it got too much and there was no way back and… and I left…"

The doctor listend to Casey's every word unjudgling before he responded. "I don't think a rehabilitation facility will help you, not after all the attempts in the past. You were put on methadone before?" 

He nodded. "That's why I overdosed so easily after."

"If you want to do this, and it's your choice, I'll prescribe methadone, you'll go to the pharmacy downstairs every day to take it, you'll have randomised urine tests, and you'd see me twice a week at least," the man explained.

Casey frowned, glancing at the man. "You're a therapist?"

"No," Kreisler answered.

"Why do I see you?" he asked, a little harshly, not the tone he'd intended.

"To talk, because I'm not a therapist, a counsellor or psychiatrist. I don't think you're a fan, am I right?"

Casey nodded. "What's the catch?"

"I need a hundred percent honesty from you. If you've gone and used, or think you're going to, you tell me, I don't care but I just need to know," the doctor told him.

"You don't care?"

"I don't want to waste my time. You are the only person who can make this change, I can't do it for you, if you fail I won't give it much thought, if you succeed then I'll say goodbye to you," he answered.

Severide looked from the doctor to Casey to gauge his reaction, if he was honest the man seemed quite harsh with his outlook but the frankness probably appealed to Casey. This was for him and no one else so he alone must be the one to want to get clean.

"Ok," Casey answered.

The doctor smiled. "Ok, good, let's move on then."

Severide smiled at Casey.

"Did you share needles?" Kreisler asked, pulling out his pen from his pocket, ready to write down any notes he needed.

Casey shook his head. "No."

"Unprotected sex?"

He nodded. "Yes."

Severide was looking at Casey again.

"Any anal penetration?"

"Yes…"

"Consensual?"

"B… both," he admitted, his voice had become gradually quieter as he answered the questions.

"Both?" the doctor repeated, a hint of sadness in his tone.

Casey seemed to shrink into the chair. "Sorry…"

"Please don't be offended by this, but is that how you made money?" the man asked him sympathetically.

"Yes," he responded, looking down at the floor.

"Ok, that's fine, we'll be taking some blood and it's gonna be tested so we see where we're at," Kreisler explained.

"I have HIV, don't I?" he spoke, glancing at the doctor now.

"Why do you think that?"

Casey just shrugged.

"Some of the symptoms for HIV are similar to what happens when you're body goes into withdrawal from heroin. But, and it is a but, if you have got HIV then we get you on a drug regime and once it's in effect the HIV wouldn't even be detectable in your system, medicine's come a long way with HIV now, it's chronic but it's not a life sentence. It can take a month to show up in a blood test so if it is negative we'll do more tests until we know you're in the clear," the man explained. "And Matt, if you do ever want to talk about everything then I will be here, or I can recommend someone, even though you don't like therapists."

He shook his head. "Don't need to talk about it, don't remember all of it anyway…" he trailed off, coughing and spluttering, unable to control his chest spasming.

"Let's get the physical done, then you get off home and rest, the test results will take a few days. When I get them I'll call you so you can come in again, we'll start you on the methadone right away though, I suspect part of the reason you feel so awful at the moment is the withdrawal, the methadone will help with that, and eventually we might be able to take you off that as well…"

Casey shook his head again. "I don't have any insurance…"

"I know, all this paperwork, all these tests, they're all gonna go through our free clinic," he explained.

Casey and Severide shared an unexpected look.

"Matt, you saved lives in this city, now let us help you," the doctor went on.

"I don't know what to say…"

"Don't need to say anything. My wife and kid, they'd be dead without you, Lieutenant Casey. You pulled both of them out of a townhouse fire four years ago, I didn't know what had happened to you until Kendra spoke to me yesterday, and I'm sorry for everything you had to go through."

The doctor proceeded with the physical examination, he took a urine and saliva sample as well as some vials of blood that were all sent off to be tested. He checked out Casey's hand, suspecting that he'd broken some fingers but they'd not been able to set properly, but unless they were rebroken and set there was nothing they would be able to do. As for the reason Casey was limping; rest was the answer. Severide brought up the issue of Casey's frequent vomiting, the doctor said it was likely he had some gastrointestinal issues since he would throw up even after a small amount of food. He was to continue on the antibiotics he'd been given at the clinic and if there was no improvement they would investigate further, or increase the dosage dependent on the lingering symptoms.

"I'm proud of you," Severide said as they exited the hospital together.

"After learning all that about me?" he asked after waiting for another coughing fit to subside.

"I'm glad I know… and you should have told me you were worried it's HIV…"

"Why? So you can make sure to avoid me? Don't worry I made sure you've not come into contact with any of my bodily fluid…" Casey spoke quietly.

"No, so that I could understand your concerns and try to reassure you," he told him.

Casey let out a short huff of laughter. "You wouldn't have been able to."

"Well, I'm glad I know now. Thank you for letting me stay in the room," Severide responded.

He shrugged. "I might regret it."

"Why?"

Casey just shook his head and spoke. "You know how dirty I am now… was dirty before but…"

"You're not dirty."

But Casey certainly didn't feel clean when he was back in the Doctor Kreisler's office a few days later. The tests came back positive for HIV. His viral load was low though so in a way he was lucky, it would have only increased without treatment. His CD4 count came in just below 300, any less than 200 and he would be at risk for serious illnesses, but above 500 would be considered healthy. The doctor explained that he was more interested in his viral load for the time being and he was happy with how low it was, but he stressed the importance of starting a treatment regime, because of his current and ongoing methadone use some of the drugs used to traditionally treat HIV could have potentially life-threatening side effects but they would be monitoring him closely. Casey was given leaflets and website links, he was told again that it would be very manageable and wouldn't affect his life. HIV wasn't the only thing that came up after his tests, the urine sample showed chlamydia, but he was given a prescription for some more antibiotics that would clear it up, the doctor was positive there would be no evidence of it after his next lot of tests. It had been a lot for both of them to take in despitre Casey's suspicians, being told he was HIV positive only proved to him what a mess he was, he could have prevented it all. He blamed only himself for everything that happened, it didn't matter what those men had done to him when he had been taken, he should have been strong enough to prevent sinking into such a dark place afterwards.

At home Severide sat down on the couch next to Casey. He picked up one of the leaflets from the coffee table. "Have you been looking at this stuff?"

Casey just shook his head.

"It's gonna be all right… do you have a headache?" Severide asked him, seeing how his brows were furrowed.

"Headache, stomach ache… I'm cold but my forehead is burning…"

"It's been almost a week since you started taking the methadone?"

"My head feels a little clearer," Casey responded.

"Good, good… sorry, I'm not great at knowing what I can say…"

Casey chuckled. "You can say anything, you won't offend me, don't worry."

"You don't seem to be getting any better?"

"Maybe it's because I'm warm and have a bed but I feel better…" but his words turned into a coughing fit and it took a short while for the coughs to subside.

Severide spoke up once silence had hit the room. "You're seeing the doctor again tomorrow."

"Yeah…"

"Maybe he can check you over again, you still seem really sick to me..." Severide suggested, nodding his head encouragingly.

"Ok, if that'll make you feel better," he said.

"I want _you_ to feel better," Severide insisted.

"I've felt worse."

"And you're gonna tell him you'll start the HIV treatment?" Severide asked.

"Yeah, sure," he said despondently.

"It's really important that you get started," Severide told him.

"I know… it's just a lot…"

"I don't want you to die, and that's what will happen," Severide said.

"Or I'll accidently bleed on you or something," he continued.

"You could bleed on me but I'll only be a tiny bit worried if it gets inside me somehow, and I don't think you're gonna be bleeding in my eye, do you?" Severide questioned him. "I'm not worried you're gonna give it me."

"I should have been more worried about it than I was…"

"You didn't share needles… and you, well, you were in a bad place, you weren't bothered about living… and part of you is still struggling that you're here with me now," Severide spoke.

"Maybe," he responded with a small shrug of his shoulders.

They both fell into silence for a short while before Severide spoke again. "The apartment's never been so spotless, you didn't have to clean, but you've done a good job with it," he commented, hoping to bring a smile to Casey's face.

"I wanted to do something for you, try and pay you back somehow… I need to more..."

"You're presence is payback enough… which sounds like a line from a straight to DVD movie…"

"Still, I need to pay you back… I'd probably be dead in some alleyway if it weren't for you."

"You don't owe me anything."


	5. Chicago: Part Two

A week went by without incident. Casey had started the HIV medication, and Severide was taking him to the pharmacy on the ground floor at Lakeshore every day at 3pm for his methadone. He knew he'd soon have to get back to work though. He'd taken a months' worth of furlough, and it was all he had left. He wasn't sure how things would go if Casey was left to his own devices for over twenty-four hours, and he hadn't broached the subject with Casey yet, not since things had been going so well. He seemed to be recovering a little from his chest infection and wasn't throwing up quite so frequently now. He was suffering a few side effects from the medications but nothing he couldn't cope with, although Severide did keep finding him sitting in the lounge in the early hours of the morning, wide awake in the dark and unable to sleep.

"Have you slept at all?" Severide asked the still figure on the couch when morning came and light was filtering in around the edge of the curtains.

It took a moment for Casey to realise Severide was kneeling in front of him. "Kel?" He blinked slowly a few times as he tried to orientate himself and focus on Severide's words.

"Morning… I'll get your meds," Severide spoke, already heading to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water as well as Casey's pills.

He took them from Severide and thanked him with a small smile.

"Let's get you to bed…"

A small movement of his head told Severide that he wasn't going to get up. Instead he spoke. "What happens after?"

"After what?"

"There was no point in it all because I'd lost everything, can't work for the CFD, it's not like I can get any of it back, nothing will be the same, don't know why I thought it would be different this time. What do I even do now?"

"Have you said this to Kreisler?" Severide asked him.

He shook his head.

"Maybe it would be helpful if you did, because honestly, Matt, I'm outa my depth here… I can't tell you that things will go back to normal, they won't… but I guess, they'll be better than everything that happened after you were… taken and…"

"I think sodomised is the word written on the police report," Casey continued steadily.

"Yeah… that…"

"You see me very differently now," Casey told him. "I'm not 'all together' anymore."

"Never thought you were before," he responded with a short chuckle, trying to lighten the conversation.

"Yeah, I never was," Casey responded, shaking his head.

"Don't think any of us are."

"Maybe not."

"C'mon, you need to get some sleep, hate to see you like this," Severide told him.

"Like this? This is just me. Just Matt," he replied, looking at him.

"You're suffering," Severide stated. He was suffering and Severide hadn't yet found a way to be able to comfort him. Casey couldn't bear to be touched, and he stayed silent for most of the time. He'd not spoken much since his first ever meeting with Doctor Kreisler. Severide was searching his eyes, but Casey would not or could not maintain eye contact, he hadn't since Severide had first found him. "Matt, this is a process. You're still in the rough end of it all. Your body's gonna get used to the HIV drugs, and the methadone is already helping. Let's get you to bed, ok? You need to get some sleep, think you will if you just close your eyes. I'm not gonna be leaving, I'm gonna be in the apartment the whole time…"

"I don't need you to feel safe, I just can't sleep," Casey snapped suddenly. "Sorry…"

"It's fine…"

"No, it's not, I…"

"Shh… how about we just watch some TV? There's loads I want to show you, I would watch stuff and just think; Matt would like this," Severide said, smiling softly.

Severide glanced across at Casey's sleeping form. He'd fallen asleep less than twenty minutes into the show, Severide knew he'd not eaten since managing a small sandwich the previous day but for now he was just happy he was sleeping, he even looked relaxed. For a moment he gazed at Casey's arm, his wrist and hand were still strapped up but he knew they were going to have to do something about it, but he wasn't sure if Casey would want it fixing, he could already predict what he would say; he wasn't worth the effort. Casey was worth all the effort in the world though, and he hoped one day he'd manage to get Casey to understand that, at least understand that he would always care about him.

The next day Severide was sitting in his car, waiting for Casey to come out of the hospital after his appointment with the doctor. Severide had gone to the grocery store to pick up a few things whilst he'd waited, preferring to fill the time in doing something useful rather than just sitting around waiting. He'd found some things he thought would tempt Casey to eat a little more than he had so far since he'd come home.

"Hey," Casey greeted, a smile on his face as he got into the passenger side of the car.

"All good?" he asked, smiling back, pleased to see how happy he seemed. "I've gained weight, not loads but I'm heading in the right direction," Casey answered, smiling.

"That's great, Matt, did you mention about the sleeping and your stomach still?"

He nodded.

"Yeah? What did he say?" Severide urged him to continue.

"Sleeping should settle, but if it doesn't in a few weeks it's something that can be addressed," Casey responded, almost repeating word for word what he had been told.

"Your stomach? 'Cause you're still struggling at times?"

"I still have some gastrointestinal issues, again it should just settle soon, just need to keep taking the antibiotics," Casey answered.

"All right, sounds good then," he responded, not asking about anything else they had spoken about.

Casey and Severide had settled into their new routine, and Casey's body was recovering well, and adjusting to the medications. His bruises had faded away. He was looking well now, physically at least, although there were still noticeable differences, the way he would struggle to maintain eye contact, how his body would sometimes jerk unintentionally. Casey was oblivious to that though. He said things that Severide would feel were inappropriate now, and struggled to make any sort of decision, not wanting to be selfish after everything he'd already put Severide through.

Severide was slowly adding to his clothing, picking him a shirt, some pants or hoody, telling Casey he thought he might as well get them since he'd been shopping for himself and figured he'd like them. Casey saw through the façade but didn't object, he wanted to make Severide happy so he accepted the clothes, and the items he bought for him, even when he felt guilty inside.

Severide hadn't long returned from a run, he'd showered and sat down on the couch. He'd asked Casey to join him, he still preferred to stay in his room, not wanting to get in Severide's way.

"When are you going back to work?" Casey asked him, fidgeting with the cuff on the red hoody he was wearing.

He laughed. "Trying to get rid of me?"

"No, I…"

"Was a joke," Severide added.

"Sorry," he responded quietly, swallowing.

"I have one week of furlough left… I'm not quite sure how everything is gonna work when I'm on shift," Severide explained.

"I promise I won't mess up," he said insistently, looking at him now.

"I'm not worried about that, and… I'm kinda expecting minor slip ups, you don't need to promise me anything," Severide told him. "I'll make sure you have your own key, and get a cab booked for you so you can get to the pharmacy."

"I can get the bus, or walk," Casey told him.

"You're not walking, you're supposed to be resting that leg. You can get the bus, but I really don't mind paying cab fare…"

"I mind," Casey spoke.

"Ok, bus it is then," he accepted, realising there was no point in continuing, Casey had always been stubborn.

So Severide when back to work and they quickly adopted to a new routine. It wasn't too much of a disruption to Casey, but Severide had concerns about Casey getting the bus and going out on his own at first. He needn't have worried though, everything went smoothly. Casey would message him on the cell phone he'd given him, letting Severide know where he was when he wasn't home. Severide hadn't asked him to, but he was glad of the updates and he found himself feeling much more relaxed about the whole situation. With the help of Doctor Kreisler Casey was doing so much better than anyone had hoped. And now he was no longer limping, but his hand was causing problems. They were going to get it fixed, although it had taken some persuasion but Casey finally realised it would be for the best and as always, he wanted to make Severide happy, and having the surgery on his arm was something Severide wanted.

No one at the firehouse knew about Casey's return, and although Shay and Boden had their suspicions, they weren't saying anything to Severide about them. Everyone had noticed how little Severide was doing off shift with the others, he wasn't going along to Molly's or joining in with much else. Severide realised how he'd isolated himself from them and now that he felt happy leaving Casey to his own devices, he agreed to go on a short trip, fishing with everyone from squad for a couple of days, even Boden decided to join them all.

The apartment was dark when Severide arrived home. "Matt? You in?" he called out as he switched the main light on.

Casey was standing with his back against the wall, Severide could see him now, he was standing rigid, stock still, as if unable to move. The look on his face was almost one of pain.

"Matty?" he began, a pit of worry opening in his stomach as he looked at Casey.

Quietly Casey responded. "I slipped up…"

"What did you do?" Severide asked, voice cracking, worried thoughts entering his head.

"I'm sorry. It's in your kitchen," he answered, biting his lower lip.

Severide stepped further into the apartment so he could see the kitchen area. He saw the small packet of white powder and an unused syringe on the counter top. "You haven't used it?"

"No, but my heart is hammering in my chest and I keep telling myself reasons why I should…"

"You haven't used it. You bought it, doesn't mean you have to use it. Sit down. I'm going to get rid of it," Severide told him, stepping over to the counter.

"Thank you." He let out a sigh of relief.

Severide found Casey in his room after disposing of the drugs, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, back facing the door. "Hey," Severide began, sitting next to him. "I'm proud of you."

Casey just glanced at him, shaking his head.

"You bought the stuff, sure… but you didn't use it," Severide said. "How long were you standing there?"

"I don't know, wasn't dark earlier," he responded. "I know how much you want my hand fixed… can't have it in my system for that to happen."

"Whatever the reason for not using it, I don't mind. In fact, how about we go out tonight? Dinner?" Severide suggested.

"Like… like a date? With me?" he asked hesitantly.

"I told you I loved you, didn't I?"

"You did," Casey said, nodding.

"I wish I told you sooner, I kept thinking if I had told you sooner then maybe things wouldn't have turned out like they did," he told Casey. 

"Sorry…"

Ignoring Casey's apology he continued. "I do love you."

After a moment Casey smiled. "Suppose you must… to put up with me… and take care of me, after everything."

"Dinner then?" Severide suggested.

"How about take-out?"

"Sure, I will get you out this apartment eventually though," he told him.

"I was at the boat yard with you the other day," Casey retorted.

"Doesn't count," he responded.

"I think I'm better locked up inside, I mean, look what I did today…"

"You didn't do anything today," Severide retorted.

"Feel like I've failed," he admitted.

"No, Matt, you succeeded. You spoke to me and you didn't get high," Severide told him firmly. "I know you're gonna struggle to see it that way, but you didn't fail, you really didn't."

"You won't make this stop your life, will you?" he asked quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"You went away and this happened," Casey reiterated.

"If or when I go away again, I'm not going to be worried that you're gonna get high… I was expecting setbacks; doesn't mean you're not moving forward now. Don't you think things are going well?"

"I guess they are," Casey responded after a moment. "How about a movie?"

"A movie?"

"For a date one night, not tonight but another day?"

"Movie sounds perfect."

It was the night before Casey's surgery when they went out for their date. Casey wore an outfit that he'd bought with the money Severide had given him for helping him out with his recent job at the boat yard. Severide had flattered him to the point of blushing, although that didn't take much, but Casey really did look good, he looked healthy and it was a site Severide wasn't sure he'd ever see before he'd found him in Detroit.

After the movie Severide tried to persuade Casey to stay out longer. "It's not even late yet," he began. "Why don't we grab something to eat? That popcorn barely filled a hole."

"I can't eat after midnight…"

"Exactly, so you can stuff your face for another… hour and a half," Severide responded, glancing at his watch.

"You said it's not late? 10:30 is late…"

"Are you gonna sleep if you go home?" Severide asked him.

Casey remained silent.

He chuckled at Casey's non response. "Exactly."

"I don't know, maybe we should just go home…"

"We're not going to bump into anyone. Everyone's at Molly's, Herrmann's doing some sort of… I don't even know, but they're all there," Severide told him, sensing Casey needed the reassurance.

"And you don't want to be there?" he responded.

"When I can go out on a date with you? Hell no," Severide said enthusiastically.

Casey laughed. "Am I that special?"

He just smiled at Casey for a moment, before moving in and planting a kiss on his lips.

Severide broke their embrace when he felt Casey move back.

"Sorry… too soon?" Severide asked him.

"You need to get a HIV test…" Casey responded, his heart racing.

Severide grinned. "Don't worry, your mouth isn't bleeding, I'm not worried."

"You should be," he warned.

"Why? Is your mouth bleeding?" Severide asked him, smiling at Casey's concern.

"No…"

Severide's smile fell, realising how worried Casey was, he still had his hands on Casey's upper arms, he could feel him trembling. "It's fine, you're not gonna infect me. Relax, breathe…"

He let out a long breath. "Sorry."

Severide simple pulled him into a light embrace, holding him gently as he relaxed. He waited until he felt Casey move before he loosened his grip.

Casey stepped back and smiled. "Thank you… for the kiss too, you can do it again in the future… if you'd like."

"I would like," he responded, already leaning in and placing another kiss on Casey's lips. "Food then? Your choice," he spoke when they broke apart.

Casey just shrugged, shaking his head.

"If you don't choose, we're both gonna go hungry," Severide pointed out, trying to get Casey to choose something for the first time in a long while.

"Fine. How about somewhere that does a good steak?"

It didn't take long for them to find a restaurant, or to get seated at a table since it was the middle of the week and the hour was already late. Severide couldn't help but smile across at Casey as the waiter handed them the leather-bound menus.

"Thank you," Casey spoke to the waiter once he took their drinks order.

Severide was still smiling at him.

"What?" he asked, grinning back because Severide's smile was infectious. 

"We're here," Severide said simply, eyes glancing around the restaurant.

"Yeah, well, I hope so…" Casey chuckled. "It better not be some drugged up hallucination."

Severide's smile fell.

He coughed, clearing his throat. "Sorry."

"Maybe I should be going to therapy too, help me talk about all this…"

"No, I should try not to make comments like that," Casey replied. "It's not very thoughtful of me."

Severide shook his head. "No, I'm glad you do. I guess… I don't know, it's almost like trivialising it? Or maybe that's just me." He shrugged.

"I'm not so good at stopping what I say anymore, and it's more normal to me, which is a bad thing really," Casey responded

"It's not, not when it wasn't your fault," he said.

"I could have come home, could have not even left, could have actually tried to get clean for longer than a couple of days. But I didn't, and… I was sure I was going to die, one way or another. Half the time I still don't think I should have called you," Casey admitted, swallowing hard.

"The other half?" he asked.

"I'm glad I did… and I can't believe you still love me, I kept saying that leaving was the best thing for everyone around me, I will always regret hurting you by doing that," Casey told him sincerely. 

"You were a mess, Matt, you weren't thinking straight…"

"Never thought straight… bad joke," he added, laughing.

"Bad joke or not, I love it when you laugh like that," Severide responded, reaching across and placing his hand on Casey's.

Severide soon found himself sitting in the surgery waiting area, so far everything had gone smoothly, in part that was thanks to Doctor Kreisler who had helped get Casey settled when they arrived, and staying with him when he was taken into the pre-op area where Severide was not allowed. It didn't stop Severide from worrying though. It was a relatively simple surgery and they'd spoke to the orthopaedic surgeon a few times before, discussing the ins and outs of it, but that didn't mean nothing could go wrong. At first Severide had worried that Casey's previous drug abuse, and current medications may complicate matters, but they were reassured immediately. Severide was worried about his high tolerance to narcotics, he didn't want Casey to be in pain after the surgery, and it was going to be a painful procedure; several of the bones in his hand were being rebroken and then set. They were concerned about nerve damage but Severide just wanted Casey to be pain free once his hand healed, they could deal with nerve damage, especially since he'd basically had no use of the hand since he'd returned home.

When Casey woke in the recovery room, Severide was there to greet him, he smiled up at him, he was a welcome sight, especially in comparison to the nurse that had woken him as the anaesthesia wore off.

"You sailed through," Severide told him softly, smiling back down at him. He could tell Casey was still groggy, his eyes weren't fully open and his smile was weary.

After a moment Casey responded. "I think we're gonna be all right."

Severide nodded, taking Casey's hand. "Yeah, I think so too."


	6. Closing

  
After a little over six months on the HIV medication regime the virus no longer showed up in Casey's bloodwork, it was still on his mind though, but with Doctor Kreisler's help his self-hatred had lessened, to an extent, after much discussion it was decided it would be best to put him on some anti-depressants, he'd been on them before in the past without much luck but this time they found a dosage that worked perfectly for him.

His relationship with Severide had only grown over the months he was living with him. It wasn't conventional but it worked perfectly. 

Even with all the improvements, even though he had been heroin free, Severide knew things could be better, he knew Casey was uncomfortable in Chicago, he knew part of the reason for feeling down was because he wasn't working, except for when he helped Severide out at the boat yard. He would see Severide leave for the firehouse, the firehouse that Casey used to be able to call home, and Casey would miss it all. Boden and Shay now knew he was back in Chicago but they'd still not told anyone else. Casey still feared running into them when he was out but he realised he probably wasn't recognisable at a quick glance.

They packed up and moved to Ireland.

Severide smiled as he looked out through the window of the small house they were renting. Casey was being battered by the wind as he finished off chopping wood for the fire. In the water Severide could see the waves battering the wooden jetty, it had needed repairs when they'd bought the place and no doubt would need some more once this storm was over. The two boats they had in for work were secured safely in the work shed at least, which was were Casey was now heading too with the lumbar so it could dry out. Severide had already got a fire going inside, the place was small and it heated up the lounge quickly, they had found themselves fast asleep in each other's arms by the fireplace more time than they could count in the short time they had been there.

Casey felt at peace as he stepped inside the house, pulling off his jacket and revelling in the heat. He slipped his gloves off, revealing the light support wrap on his hand.

"Hot chocolate's on the side," Severide told him.

"Good, I can get some feeling back in my hands then," he responded, shaking them to help their circulation.

"You're cold? You looked hot out there, showing off your lumberjack skills," Severide teased him, bringing him into a hug, sharing a few moments with him, kissing his cold lips until they grew warm.

"It's a wonder we actually get any work done around here, you're very distracting," he said, eyes looking Severide up and down.

"You're happy though, right?"

"I am," Casey responded.

"Good, because I want to make all this official, gonna buy this place," Severide told him, casting a quick glance around.

"We can?"

"Yeah, gonna be paying more than it's probably worth but it's worth a lot too me, because I'm happy here too."

"You don't miss it?" Casey asked him.

"I always thought I'd stay in Chicago forever, always thought I'd be a firefighter until I was killed on duty, or had a heart attack or something when I was old," he answered, letting out a short chuckle.

"Few years ago I never thought I'd leave Chicago," Casey commented quietly.

"Things happen, things change, but I think as long as we're happy, and together, then everything is all right."

"Yeah, everything is all right."


End file.
